My Mom died this year. It’s an odd thing to say because I’ve only seen her 4 times in the last 13 years. Part of me still feels like she is still out there living her life. It’s something that I have to remind myself of every few weeks – so the feeling is more of a dreamy forgetfulness that she isn’t even on our planet anymore.
We co-sleep with our kids, not all of them or I would go nuts, but right now there are two in the bed with us, which is “normal”. I tend towards insomnia and am a very light sleeper which means that I am hyper aware of the space around me, the people moving in the bed and any odd noises in the house. I mention this because on a few nights right before dozing off, I feel the bed move like a child or my husband has got in. There is a weight beside me. I turn to see who it is – and there is no one there. My third child has been complaining that he feels something touching his hair at night. Normally I would be neurotic about stuff like that especially given all the woo-woo classes I’ve taken, books I’ve read and mythical entities I know about…But somehow this heavy weight that comes and lays next to me, putting a hand on my hip and shifting the mattress, only comes when I am so sleepy that I don’t even care. I note the presence but seem to be paralysed by calm and fatigue.
I wonder how long this presence is going to stay. Do I need to do anything to help it move on? I actually just had a thought that I should do some sort of forgiveness ritual. My mom wasn’t a mother and I hated her for that all the way until she died. She had nothing to do with my children and was a mess with her other kids (I’m the oldest). It was just like watching a sad and painful show from far away.
My emotions have been all out of whack these past few weeks until I finally had an “Aha” and a flood of stories that I had pushed aside and far back in my memory, started to fill my mind. They all came up, and I blubbered the whole night. Then the ghost came back and laid next to me last night again. Totally making this up, but maybe she needs me to let her go…to give her permission to go.
I’ll try that tomorrow. I swear my brain works best when thinking out loud.